Everything Is Different.
“It’s not about standing still and becoming safe. If anybody wants to keep creating they have to be about change.” ― Miles Davis
Every year I have the habit of comparing myself to where and who I was the previous year. Whether the earlier years were great or horrible for me, comparison always creeps in. I was resistant to my growth and it wasn’t until a few years ago that I sat with myself and realized things wouldn’t stay the same. I knew at that moment I had to make some lifestyle changes and that was the first change that was the hardest.
In my adolescent years, I wanted things to stay the same. I could have the worst year of my life but when the next year came around I would compare myself to whatever situation I was in last year. I gaslighted myself into believing my situations weren’t as bad as they were and sometimes romanticized them to stunt my growth. Doing that made me hesitant to reflect on the change and growth I needed to move on. I just wanted things to stay the same.
Throughout high school I would preach about the benefits of growth and becoming this “brand new person” but I hated moving on. I was the literal definition of a hypocrite and I was perfectly okay with it. Hiding this dark secret worked well for me until I went to college and started to hold myself accountable. During the first two years of college, my mental health wasn’t so good — I looked for others to give me the answers I thought I needed but what I needed was to start answering for myself.
One thing that helped me tremendously was changing my mindset. Changing my mindset was the hardest and the most rewarding thing I’ve done so far. It took me about four years to understand why I think like I do and also to understand my actions. I was ready to unlearn my bad habits and put myself first for once in my life. By changing my mindset I learned not to take things personally, I integrated of law of detachment into my daily life, and most importantly, I understand that it’s okay for things to change. Change is something we can’t control but what we can control is what we do with that change and learning that helped me change my relationship with uncertainty.
As a newly 22-year-old post-grad, I’m learning that it’s okay that things aren’t the same as they were a year ago, six months ago, or even two weeks ago. Learning to stop comparing myself to myself is easier said than done but the process of it feels so good. I look back on past versions of myself and I feel for her. I’m proud of the trials and tribulations that happened to bring me to the person I am in this very moment and help me continue to evolve during my time on earth.