Over It!

Holding this in for far too long.

For starters, I’ve never been one to articulate my emotions correctly in writing, but imma try my best to explain them slowly. For the past year, I’ve been struggling mentally and physically. Earlier this year I experienced my first heartbreak (at the big age of 21 lmao) and let me tell you; it rocked my world. For the first four months of the year, I was sad and lonely which caused me to disassociate. It was such a scary and confusing time for me. Nothing seemed real and it didn’t feel like things were going to get better —mind you during all this I wasn’t eating, I was at my lowest weight since my sophomore year of high school. Fortunately, I can say I’m doing much better than I was a few months ago, and as time continues to go by I can’t help to reflect on the situation.

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. At the time, I couldn’t wonder why this happened, I was pleading to the universe to give me a sign. I was coming from an all-time high for four months, and then suddenly, everything came crashing down. Now, eleven months post-breakup, I finally figured out the reason.

Sometimes what you think is for you isn’t really. Now I know this is a straightforward answer but let me explain. During the relationship, I was extremely delusional (never doing that shit again- lesson learned!) and I swore up and down that this person and I were right for one another (spoiler alert- we weren't.) It wasn’t until a few months after the breakup that the delusion wore off and realized that we weren’t as compatible as I thought. We had a few common interests but nothing that would help us in the long run and that’s completely okay. As I left my delusional bubble and came back to reality I was able to connect back to myself and then it hit me. I lost myself while being in my relationship.

This is something I don’t hear people talk about much but it’s so easy to lose yourself when you enter a relationship. I found myself hiding things or losing interest in the things I once loved to fit into the idea they had of me. Thankfully now I’m able to see how harmful that is— I never want to be associated with someone who I can’t be unapologetically myself with. At that moment that’s when I learned my lesson- sometimes what you think is for you isn’t really (also to stop being so fucking delusional).

So to circle back on this essay title- I’m officially over it! and what I mean by that is I’m letting go of people’s perception of me. I am done hiding the parts of myself to make others feel good or fed into the idea they have of me. This is something I’ve dealt with my entire life and now as a 22-year-old woman, I’m over it! I was scared about what others would think about me being me but over these past few months I’ve realized what I think of myself is the only thing that matters. People are going to perceive you as whatever they want but what I learned is I control what I allow into my life and if something doesn’t feel right I let it go.

With my newfound knowledge, it changes the way I want to deal with future romantic relationships. In my next relationship, I’m planning on being more upfront about who I am and what I want while also NOT being delusional. I don’t know when/how I’ll get into my next relationship but whoever I end up being with I’m excited to share myself with them— in the right way.

I’m happy everything happened— like I said earlier I’m a believer that everything happened for a reason. Without this situation, I would probably have learned this lesson later in life (which would be fine) but I’m happy to have learned it now.